I remember once being told that I shouldn’t become a social worker because I was too emotional. As I applied for jobs, after completing my Master’s Degree in Mental Health Counseling, I was referred to an employer and, soon after, received a position with that very title. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of that moment. That memory floating back to my mind in that moment was a much needed reminder not to let the things people speak over me define me, particularly when they don’t know the plans God has for me.
My “emotional” nature has always been a sore spot for me. My upbringing didn’t always value that trait and, at times, caused me to see it as a weakness I needed to conceal – an illusion of self-control. I spent so many years trying to live my life by logic, ignoring my emotions. That was then counteracted with the pressure of my suppressed emotions erupting like a cork from a wine bottle at all the wrong times. I became somewhat of a ticking timebomb. I found myself unable to exercise self-control consistently or healthily. I ricocheted between emotional highs and lows and struggled to manage my daily routine. I adopted “all or nothing” thinking, which later became the hallmark of my personality expression. I was emotionally-imbalanced, to say the least.
Still, I managed to pull it together enough to show up for short bursts of time. Getting my work done and trying my best to show all of the people in my life that I loved them, only to become fatigued from all of the energy I was expending. I would then go into periods of isolation, trying to recuperate from the exhaustion. Those moments often led to depressive episodes and anxiety-ridden mental and emotional states.
In His grace, God met me where I was and lifted me up out of my cycles of dysfunction and confusion. Asking me a very simple question, “Why are you fighting?” That question baffled me for a while, to be quite honest. I didn’t think that I was fighting God in the midst of my struggles. Fighting myself? Sure. Fighting the thoughts that I felt like I was drowning in repeatedly? Accurate. But fighting God? Not me… Yet, there was the truth of the matter, staring me in the face. God had been trying to get me to entertain the idea of a resource He wanted to use to help me.
If I said I’d completely warmed up to it in that moment, I would be lying. There were tears. So many tears. Tears turned to wailing and questions of “why?” Why it had to be this thing, this way. Why couldn’t He just do it Himself? I learned a very valuable lesson during that process of gradual surrender. I learned the true meaning and experience of God’s sovereignty and His ability and choice to use all things for my good.
The days, weeks, months, and years following that period of surrender have been slow in their progression. I have been learning how to do things differently. I’d just begun to finally understand who I really am after all of those years of being who I thought I and everyone else wanted me to be. God elected to bring me out the long way. Taking His time in breaking my cycles of emotional imbalance. Still on the journey out of emotional oppression, I am walking, day by day, with the Lord as He guides my every step in the purpose He created for me. Just as He originally intended.
If you can relate to my story, to any degree, I hope to encourage you to stay the course with God as your guide. The process of surrendering your will to God will yield good fruit for you.
As always, ’til next time,
Be well.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.“
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Song Selection: Cycles by Jonathan McReynolds; Never Lost by Ramp Worship
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